Chaos

I've discovered I'm a chaos junky.
I thrive on chaos.
When things are in order,
or when I have time to manage
I'm confused.
When I have spare time on my hands to pay attention to my needs,
I'm confused.
I grew up in chaos. 
I've worked for the past 12 years in jobs that revolves around Chaos.
I thrive on chaos.
Now, I have calm and I'm experiencing withdraw.
My mind is racing, anticipating the Chaos, waiting for the resistance.
But it meets nothing in return.
What am I to do?
I find my self spacing off...
questioning, seeking but not truly desiring the Chaos.
I know I shouldn't want it, I know it isn't the best, but it's what I know.
It's how my brain works.  Chaos is the only order I've every known. 
Can one relearn how to think.  How to work?  How to live? 
In a world without Chaos.